(Essay correction) Task 2 online student submission and full correction

This is a recent essay that was submitted to me by an online student.  Here you can see my corrections (in red) and comments (in blue).  To get your own writing checked, please visit my online course page.

Some people think that human needs for farmland, housing, and industry are more important that saving land for endangered animals. Do you agree or disagree with this point of view? Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

As the world becomes more industrialized and increases in population in the twenty-first century, space will also diminish.  This has caused, and will continue to cause, a tremendous amount of land to be converted for farmland, housing, commercial and industrial usage thereby destroying the homes of endangered animals.   Although humanity must use a certain number of resources to sustain itself, the use of these resources in an irresponsible manner is disagreed with.  Ecology Harmony (<–Is this the name of a company?  Why is ‘harmony’ capitalized?) and conservation for future generations are valid reasons which shall be analysed to support this point of view. (<–This outline sentence is awkward.  Try: ‘This point of view will be proven by analyzing the importance of ecological harmony and the conserving of natural resources for future generations.’)

    The world is created (<– ‘is created’?  It is being created now?)  with an ecological balance for the sustainability of our mother earth, all living flora and fauna.  (<– What is your point?  All I see in this sentence is an incoherent grouping of words about nature.  What are you talking about here?  Are you trying to say that the planet was created to be shared by all living things?  If so, please say this clearly.  When I read your writing, I feel like you are trying very hard to sound academic.  You don’t need to do this.  Just write simple sentences that communicate your point accurately.  If your IELTS examiner cannot understand what you are saying, it won’t matter how many academic-sounding words you use, you will receive a disappointing mark.)  Therefore human needs must not overtake and destroy the ecology of the earth or else this will result in natural disasters.  For example, some parts of the world like Hong Kong have become so industrialized that one can only see buildings,  housing estates,  construction, air pollution  and traffic congestion which are detrimental to human health in the long run.  (<–OK, Hong Kong is a good example.)  As a result of this development, there are limited open spaces, fresh air and natural environment with animals for individuals to enjoy.  These industrialized countries have become so artificially materialistic, greedy and unhealthy to live in as a result of not saving some space for our precious nature. (<–Where is the link back to your thesis?  In this paragraph, are you talking about ‘sharing nature’ or are you talking about humanity having a ‘natural environment to live in’?  This concluding sentence should read something like: ‘Thus, it is clear that humanity must make use of the resources it has at hand in a responsible manner to help preserve their purity.’)
    Secondly, almost every country has unique animals that belong to a particular habitat.  If one does not take care of these habitats, then the unique species can become endangered or possibly extinct forever.  It is important that the lives of such God given creatures are kept well and passed onto our future generations to enjoy as these are natural world heritages which no money can buy.  For example,  if China does not take some serious actions to protect the pandas,  then it (<–’It?’  There is only one panda?) will eventually become extinct.  Can one imagine if the Chinese younger generations can only find and see their very own unique animal in the books and not in real life?  It will be totally meaningless!  (<–Take these 2 sentences out.  You are not writing a high school essay.)  The world has already become so commercialized and artificial and therefore, there is an urgent need for humans to ensure that the lives of these endangered animals are treated as a top priority for the future generations.  As can be seen, the idea of using the world’s natural resources in an irresponsible manner cannot be supported.
    In summary, it is evident that the ecological impact and lives of endangered species must be dealt with seriously and definitely must not be sacrificed at the expense of human needs and greed.  Government sectors and environmental organisation must act to ensure that lands are conserved for this purpose (<–For what purpose?  ‘Human needs and greed?’).  Last but not least, teachers and parents must make efforts to educate our (<–Please stop using personal pronouns when they are not essential.  They make your writing sound like it was written by an adolescent.)  younger generations their responsibilities and the importance to protect the ecological harmony for the longevity of the mother earth.          

Dear student,

There are still a handful of issues we need to deal with before your writing will become truly effective.  Let’s go over them one at a time.

As you can see above, I had to reword your thesis to make it clearer.  Your thesis should show an obvious connection to your question.  If it doesn’t, the Task Achievement portion of your mark will suffer.

One thing I don’t understand is why your thesis is not discussed at the end of each of your supporting paragraphs.  I feel there is very little cohesion in your writing, which makes it difficult to follow.

Please watch your grammar.  If you use a word like ‘every’, it should be followed by a singular noun (in the case above: country).   Please review my other changes above.  Also, be careful of word forms.  ‘Ecology’ and ‘ecological’ are different and need to be used in their correct context.

Don’t use ‘I, my, our, we, us, you, etc’ in your essay.  It makes your essay sound like it has been written by an middle school student and not an adult.

I’m sorry if any of this sounds disappointing, but I really feel I need to push you to change.  If you submit this kind of writing on your examination you will receive a terrible mark.

Good luck in your next attempt,

About Ryan

I have been developing online IELTS training resources for over 10 years. For more information about me and how I can help your preparation for the IELTS, please email me: ryan@ieltsielts.com
This entry was posted in Writing. Bookmark the permalink.