(Task 1 correction) Online General student submission

The following is a correction I did for an online student of mine.  To have your work corrected and commented on like this, please visit http://ieltsielts.com/online-ielts-writing-course/  for details.

Below, red marks areas I have altered.  Blue marks my comments.  The Task 1 question the student responded to reads:

You have recently commenced a full-time job and are concurrently doing a part-time evening course.  You are finding it increasingly difficult to continue both commitments and have thus decided to drop the evening course.  You have only completed 4 weeks of the 18 weeks required for the course. 

Write a letter to the director of the course explaining your decision to stop.  In your letter include:

• a description of the situation
• an apology for asking for early exit of the course
• a polite inquiry into whether partial refund of the course fee is possible

Write at least 150 words.  You do NOT need to write your address.  Begin your letter as follows:

Dear …,

Dear Dr. Baker,

I am writing this letter to apologise for my withdrawal from the Business Certificate III course.

I enrolled in this course in early August as I believed it could further develop my business skills in all areas. Soon after the course kicked off, I found a full-time job that I had been dreaming of for a very long time. As you may imagine, I put increasing efforts and time into this job not only because I was a newcomer but also because of my enthusiasm for the work. As a result, I found it very difficult to balance my professional and academic commitments.

Thus, after a thorough period of consideration, I have decided to quit this course even though I was fond of it. Please accept my sincere apology for being an early-exit student.

Finally, may I enquire about the eligibility of my case in receiving a partial refund? As I only took less than a quarter of the course, is there any way this could be possible?

Thank you for your time.

Yours sincerely,

Student

Hi Student,

The letter looks alright, but as you can see there are areas marked with grammatical issues.  It looks like they don’t hamper the understanding of your message too much, which is good.  As a criticism, I suggest you avoid asking the same question twice in the ‘request’ portion of the letter.

Aside from these, I think the letter looks pretty good.  As long as the grammar gets cleaned up in your next submission, I think you are in good shape.

Good luck,

Ryan